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 750+ things Mr. Welch can no longer do in a RPG - Part III
#1
Trust me guys, I didn't come up with this.
I got this from a website recounting pen-n-paper RPG stories.
Unfortunately, no names were attributed.

750+ things Mr. Welch
can no longer do in a RPG

Part III

(More than) 750 things Mr. Welch can no longer do in an RPG is a list of actions PCs (personified as "Mr. Welch") should never take in a role-playing game. While many of the entries are based on actual games, other entries are entirely fictional. Inspired by "Skippy's List: The 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army", the RPG-specific list was originally posted as "1,150 things Mr. Welch can no longer do during an RPG" on TheGlen's blog, which he copied to RPGnet in the thread "250 things Mr. Welch can no longer do in a RPG". The list was subsequently expanded by many authors across several threads, most recently "750 things Mr. Welch can no longer do in a RPG". A similar list from the perspective of a GM is "1001 things Mr. Raymond can't do when he GMs". 750 things Mr. Welch can no longer do in a RPG:

1261. There is no such language as "Drowbonics".
1262. If the fighter tells my mage "When I nod, zap him", he just means this encounter.
1263. I cannot save up for a 20-paradox blow to create another Tunguska Event.
1264. Shadowrun. Cannot "hold out for unreasonable expenses".
1265. A character's native language should probably not be "Engrish" or "Leet".
1266. Paladins are not "The Man" nor are they keeping me down.
1267. In the eyes of the law of Forgotten Realms, it is not a hate crime when someone is attacked for being a drow.
1268. No one likes me bringing in politics in their fantasy game.
1269. Even if the game makes it obvious to me.
1270. No, You can't play a vampire.
1271. No, You can't play a cannibal either. We're making SUPERHEROES!
1272. A recently-escaped inmate of an insane asylum, where he was placed after murdering his entire family at a barbeque with an acid-dripping fireman's axe named "mother", armed with self-same axe, that fights crime is NOT a valid SUPERHERO!
1273. I will stop singing "Stabilize, Stabilize, Sta - Sta -Staaaaa - aaaa - bi - iiii - iii - lze" to Staying Alive theme music.
1274. Especially when I am not a bard.
1275. With a negative result in Heal.
1276. I will stop cutting the arms off of the enemies, when I am told to "Disarm them".
1277. No more casting Awaken on every dog, cat, mouse, and bush I see.
1278. Especially if they're not strays.
1279. I cannot play an anthropomorphic cat with favored enemy (Rodents), a ring of regeneration and a magic butcher knife.
1280. And I can't name him Tom.
1281. I cannot say "Ooo, kinky" when someone mentions that they have ranks in Use Rope. Or say "Tie me up next." Or... wait. No commenting at all about Use Rope.
1282. No matter how bad my hair is, I cannot summon monsters from ordinary trading cards, even if I call my character YuGi.
1283. Any character with infinite loops.
1284. Kender? Blam. Blam. Blam. Blam. Blam. Blam. Click. (Reload)
1285. I cannot convert my FATAL character over to any other system.
1286. Putting a silencer on a bomb doesn't work, (a bomb is a weapon, after all...) even if the rules say that it will.
1287. I will not give the widow the cuff of my wrist.
1288. More than three times.
1289. Just because we can't stop laughing, the keeper is still unamused.
1290. I do not have any kind of accent.
1291. I will not mock the elves for having 4000 years of civilization and yet no bicycle or steam power.
1292. "You hold him, I hit him" is not the only way to talk to NPCs.
1293. Red pickup trucks do not have a protection against tornadoes on them.
1294. Characters cannot climb ladders with a chainsaw running...
1295. ...with 100 grenades strapped on their bodies...
1296. ...and with NPCs shooting at them from below.
1297. Killing the only guy who can explain the mission is not an option.
1298. Broadswords do not make the same sound effects as giant mech robots.
1299. I cannot make the GM move the gaming session to a morning and then not bother to show up.
1300. It is understood that if I don’t show up to a game, my character will be thrown down a ravine.
1301. My vampire cannot shoot energy blasts using the energy he drains from victims.
1302. If I must use the 1st Edition Manual of the Planes to prove my point to the GM, I have gone too far.
1303. I will not delegate all hero tasks to my henchmen.
1304. When asked a question at gunpoint followed by “Answer or I shoot”, I do not have to tell the truth, but I must answer SOMEthing.
1305. The hockey game on tv is not a valid reason to lay down and play dead.
1306. I will not throw the GM out of my house for bringing a prop I think is stupid.
1307. I will think twice about using the word “Shadow” in my character’s name, especially if my previous character’s name also used that word.
1308. I have no reason to carry one broken chest frame, much less five.
1309. Believing my character to be sexy does not entitle me to hit on the GM. That’s just creepy.
1310. The Monster Manual is not a resource for playable character races.
1311. Detonating "Shaped Charges" will not make my car go faster.
1312. (XCrawl) I will not tell the Dungeon Judge that I could design a better dungeon in my sleep.
1313. Even if it's true.
1314. After #1315, losing two teammates on a Crawl is not a good reason to build your own dungeon and kidnap the Dungeon Judge and put HIM through it to see what it's like.
1315. Uh huh, superheroes... what! Masturbator? Entangle, physical EB, bulky... uh VETO!
1316. My cleric cannot worship Gygax, Steve Jackson, or Kenneth Hite.
1317. Cannot make players (not characters) lose sanity.
1318. Cannot play with the light switch when a character has a darkness phobia.
1319. Cannot switch the Nair and shampoo labels.
1320. May never, ever, polymorph the gorgeous princess into Abe Vigoda.
1321. It's not fair. Pranks with roadkill are banned.
1322. Cannot spam the Emperor.
1323. I will not, when playing Spycraft, make a gadget that is a belt buckle combined with a directional mine even if it is legal.
1324. No it may not be a body suit either.
1325. Nor a tie clip.
1326. No directional LAND MINE GADGETS AT ALL!!
1327. A copy of BESM is NOT an excuse to roleplay Anime Tentacle Porn.
1328. Even with Big Breasts Small Waist and other relevant sourcebooks.
1329. Totally banned from making unstoppable killing machines.
1330. Especially not allowed to create unstoppable sex machines.
1331. Mr. Welsh has been asked nicely not to turn Elven lands into glass.
1332. Grenades can never be used in melee.
1333. May not borrow anything from Warehouse 23.
1334. Cannot attempt to steal anything from Warehouse 23, while the group is around.
1335. Elves do not have a creamy chocolate center.
1336. Not allowed to use magic to give elves a creamy chocolate center.
1337. Wish spells are not for trapping the souls of the rest of the party.
1338. Even if they started the prank war.
1339. The group has banned Mr. Welch from using miracles to cool his drinks.
1340. Banned from BBQing grays.
1341. Prohibited from loading Windows 95 into our cybertank.
1342. Dressing up like grays and doing anal probes is prohibited.
1343. Not allowed to convince all five other players to make Halfling Pit Fighters... again.
1344. Not allowed to describe Wushu action stunts and complain when the D20 system fails to faithfully model them, and kills my character instead.
1345. My Barbarian is longer allowed to leap from a speeding hovercar with a flying headbutt on an enemy robot drone.
1346. "The Fightin' Entertainers" is NOT an acceptable name for a party of Elven sisters, disguised as a travelling minstrel troupe.
1347. May not return to employers in Cthulhu Now to report zombie horses and ask for flamethrowers.
1348. After having gone back in time, may not outright kill other PCs because I know they will become my mortal enemy later.
1349. Art: Nympho is not an acceptable choice for Call of Cthulhu characters.
1350. No longer allowed to pet Basilisks.
1351. No smuggling baby Sasquatches under my trenchcoat.
1352. No more flaming oil flasks on the Gnolls or they'll start using them too.
1353. May not use a rattlesnake as a bullwhip for Indiana Jones ripoff character.
1354. Not allowed to retain hireling wizards at my inn to cast Frost to provide air conditioned premium honeymoon suites and ice cubes for drinks.
1355. Not allowed to use player knowledge and primitive waterwheel technology to invent hydro-electric power plants in fantasy campaigns.
1356. No longer allowed to talk the GM into believing a 12-dice Shadowrun "Mana Ball" spell blew a hole in the nightclub wall.
1357. Not allowed to hire my Cleric out as a "Mercenary Firefighter" and cast Level 7 Create Water to douse flames.
1358. No longer allowed to play my Valley Girl Elven Archer in character.
1359. Gungan Jedi are NOT allowed lightsabers.
1360. May not "sneak attack" other party members with surprise wrestling throws, "just to keep them on their toes".
1361. Not allowed to inhale the vampire after he turns into mist... again.
1362. D100 damage from Predator plasma casters does NOT belong in D&D.
1363. Not allowed to buddy up to Mysterious Black Limo Driver, Ately P. North.
1364. May NOT take a blind elven monk purely to demonstrate game imbalance.
1365. May not feed Warpstone to pet dog "just to see what happens".
1366. Even Wushu rules do not allow for Archaeologist-Mechanic-Mystic-Soldier-Ninjas.
1367. May not use Miss Cleo, Nel Carter, Good Times or Big Momma's House for character inspiration.
1368. May not play a sentient virus in a party of otherwise normal characters.
1369. No more playing Windlings, Pixies, Sprites, or any other small flying things with a penchant for flying into the orifices of other characters.
1370. No longer allowed to use the word "orifice".
1371. In general, if it in any way involves the concept of "orifice", I am not allowed to do it.
1372. Player-driven morality or no, in Dogs in the Vineyard it is NOT the will of God that I perform gangland-style executions on every NPC I encounter.
1373. No matter what rule system we are using, I am never allowed to roll more dice than can fit on the gaming table at one time.
1374. Nuclear 155mm rounds will never be turned into satchel charges.
1375. Turning Nuclear 155mm rounds into ad hoc nuclear reactors are out.
1376. As is using blocks of plutonium to heat coffee.
1377. Cannot worship the god of Munchkins.
1378. Absolutely cannot play a female Aslan in a bikini, boots, and use a tac missile.
1379. Not allowed to ride the fighter's tower shield down the hill to escape the wyvern, even if it is on my ass.
1380. Not allowed to spot Wargs at night through a snowstorm when they are 300 yds away and shoot them with my bow even if I make the rolls for it.
1381. No longer allowed to accuse slightly supicious clerics of being drow even if all clues point to it and I am playing a Wood Elf who hates Drow. Oh yeah, and that goes double since I was right.
1382. No longer allowed to take the rope tricks feat just so I can lasso were-creatures, throw the rope over a tree limb, and suspend them over a fire to slowly kill them.
1383. No longer allowed to create a 15th-level dwarven war priest whose preferred method of greeting is to cast Flame Strike for an Underdark campaign (because we all know how well webs, driders, and drow burn.)
1384. Not allowed to come up with plausible (within the game) ways to do whatever it is that the GM is saying can't be done, like adding machine person nanites to the full conversion null psi-borg to allow total world domination, or at least allow cheap repairs.
1385. Not allowed to destroy worlds with my own face.
1386. May not jump down the stairs, acting as surfboard for the Halfling Rogue, and kill myself. Again.
1387. Definitely cannot make a suicide character, just to provide the group with spending money.
1388. Oops is not a battle cry.
1389. Cannot make the players cringe every hour.
1390. May never again drop live mortar rounds on other PCs. Or near them.
1391. And that goes triple for bombing explosives or flammables that are next to/near to other PCs.
1392. Not allowed to sell the giant mosquitoes (Skeeters in Gamma World) as ‘easy storage containers' for the “Blood of Christ”.
1393. No, you can not use straws to get the blood out of the Skeeters. Not even if you think it is "good to the last drop".
1394. No you can't use the "Blood of Christ" to make potions of 'Water Walking'. Not in Gamma World.
1395. Mr. Welch may no longer use dynamite, C4, or other high explosives as body armor.
1396. Mr. Welch may no longer embrace anything that moves, OR see what happens when a vampire and a werewolf bite each other at the same time...
1397. When blowing up the enemy's base, must remember to make sure every PC has been evacuated.
1398. And people we are supposed to rescue.
1399. Never, never, ever let anyone unskilled try to defuse the base self-destruction mechanism.
1400. On a dare is right out.
1401. Ooh and may not save up lots of Warpstones to use them in one big event.
1402. My bard can write dirty limericks and bawdy ballads about his adventuring companions. I, however, should refrain from doing so.
1403. Especially if making any height comparisons between female halflings and male humans.
1404. Especially when the halfling's player is particularly conservative in that regard.
1405. If two players were dating but have broken up, I am no longer allowed to make "subtle" attempts to hook their characters up in-game.
1406. The GM doesn't care how bad my high school was, I still can't get stunt dice just for using proper grammar.
1407. Incidentally, the Grammar Nazis are still not a good idea for a group of villains in an alternate history game (and the Komma-Klansmen are right out).
1408. Flanders and Swann songs do not make for good character concepts.
1409. Neither do characters from John Waters movies.
1410. Especially if we are playing Nobilis, Amber, or Dogs in the Vineyard.
1411. I am no longer allowed to slaughter the stone giant strippers.
1412. My megaraptor mount may not be named "Kawasaki". Even so, my mount is not powered by alcohol.
1413. Raping the baby black dragon is NOT a quick and easy way to gaining the leadership feat.
1414. Minotaurs don't wear kilts. Especially not metal ones with big metal trapdoors in the front. And making rusty opening noises whenever the party encounters a female NPC is not appropriate, either.
1415. Sovereign glue is not a brawling weapon.
1416. My superhero cannot take the teleportation flaw "Does not include clothing".
1417. Usable against others.
1418. Cannot make a Darwin award recipient or wannabe.
1419. Whoa. I cannot invent magical trains.
1420. I cannot name my Solar ELE (extinction level event).
1421. Even though it is true.
1422. Will not load AP rounds into an SMG for run against an underwater/deep space base.
1423. Will not design an attack droid that looks like a pepperpot and has the battle cry "EXTERMINATE".
1424. When confronting the police droid sent after said attack droid, I will not try to irritate it by yelling "Exterminate!"
1425. Will not offer up the paladin to the cannibals in exchange for letting the rest of us go, no matter how annoying she is.
1426. Will not even try to visualize the hobbit fighter in full plate armor.
1427. Will not encourge the half-orc to use said hobbit as a bowling ball, twice.
1428. Will not use the Wand of Orcus to direct the orchestra.
1429. Will not pimp out my sister's character in Spycraft again.
1430. Codfish is not a valid PC race. Especially not in DitV.
1431. I am not the leader of a group of evil alien robots that transform into schoolgirls.
1432. The name of that group is not the “Lolicons”.
1433. Their rallying call is not “Lolicons - Transform and make out!”
1434. My catgirl cannot have a weapon specialization for mousetraps.
1435. Under no circumstance am I allowed to play Toon, Kobolds Ate My Baby, or Paranoia.
1436. Making the PCs play a party composed entirely of characters from My Name is Earl, Phoenix Wright, and / or The Family Guy is never a good idea.
1437. My Brujah cannot be Archie Bunker.
1438. I can not vicissitude my face on every cat I meet.
1439. Control over my own pubic hair is not an appropriate super power.
1440. The cleric’s name is not Nurse Ratchet.
1441. If they have been on a TV talent show, my Toreador can't embrace them.
1442. I cannot avoid capture by taking off my clothes and offering them my body.
1443. Nymphomania is not an appropriate flaw for my child character.
1444. My Bastet is not allergic to cats.
1445. If any character I created is based off someone played by Robin Williams or Sasha Cohen, it is automatically rejected.
1446. A rolled-up newspaper is not an effective weapon against werewolves.
1447. I am not allowed to play a Malkavian, GURPS\9th Level Games Kobold, Deadlands Mad Scientist, Marauder, Kender, or Ratkin.
1448. “Hail Lord Illpolazo” is not a good battle cry.
1449. My character cannot activate his super powers by shouting, “Hey kids, smoking is good for you.”
1450. There is no such thing as a werehamster and even if there was, I’m still not allowed to play it.
1451. Man-Man and Boy-Boy are bad names for my character and his sidekick.
1452. I cannot name or base my Warforged rogue on Bender (or any other Futurama character for that matter).
1453. Garth Ennis characters are bad role models to base my Bunnies and Burrows PC on.
1454. No, I cannot have a wizard named Gargamel.
1455. Smurfs do not exist in Changeling: The Dreaming, so stop asking.
1456. No giving the other PCs nicknames unless they approve.
1457. I will not refer to the DM as “Boss Hog”.
1458. The lone female player's name is not "Sugar-Tits".
1459. I will not refer to the noob as “Target Practice”.
1460. (X-Crawl) My signature move is not The Stinkface.
1461. (X-Crawl) Selling out does not mean having sex for money no matter how in-character it is.
1462. I am forbidden from talking to the noob.
1463. Metis do not exist in Werewolf: The Forsaken so don’t even think of trying to make one.
1464. Even in a modern setting, my bard does not know the words to “Detachable Penis".
1465. Kender-Gnome hybrids are very, very, very out of the question.
1466. I will not say things that can break the GM’s brain.
1467. Sailor Scout is not a core class in Ravenloft.
1468. I will not try to eat the gelatinous cube.
1469. Just because that guy from One Piece can wield three swords at one time means I can.
1470. I’m not allowed to ghoul the entire city zoo (even in a Sabbat game).
1471. No matter how many times I scream help, the Elite Beat Agents will not come and save me.
1472. Breast implants do not have an AC bonus.
1473. My wereshark cannot have frick’n lasers on his head.
1474. I may not play a Malkavian who's afraid of the dark. (True story)
1475. Resolving hostage situations with "the proper application of high explosives" is unacceptable. (True story)
1476. A hand grenade is not appropriate for home defense.
1477. A rubber chicken is not an appropriate familiar.
1478. May not convince the Verbana to convert all the bacteria in a person to Humboldt Squid. (True story)
1479. C-4 is not a universal lockpick.
1480. May not skip the middleman and employ a wandering damage chart.
1481. I may not start a party pool on the chances the team teleporter materializes in a solid object.
1482. It is not permissible to refer to all nobles as "Mr. Fancypants".
1483. Rubber bands and paper clips are not an appropriate weapon specialization.
1484. Must quit saluting the team leader declaring "Sniper Check".
1485. I am forbidden from saying "There was a bump on the head, we ran into complications so we had to amputate" when acting as team doctor. (True story)
1486. Nuking the site from orbit is NOT an appropriate position to start negotiations from.
1487. The expression "The road to hell is paved with good intentions" does not mean I get to bid on the contract.
1488. Ned Beatty is NOT "the OTHER other white meat".
1489. It is impermissable to have my dwarf "whistle while he works".
1490. Setting fire to the building is frowned for resolving hostage situations. (True story)
1491. I may not open a Veterinary Clinic/Taxidermy shop with the slogan, "Either way you get your pet back". (Real life)
1492. I do not get "offshore artillery" just for being a pirate.
1493. There is no such thing as "Chobham Plate Mail".
1494. Minefields are not appropriate "shortcuts" to base.
1495. Cantrip fights under the king's table at dinner time with a Faerie Dragon are expressly forbidden.
1496. I do not control, ever have controlled, nor ever will control the Spice.
1497. Colonel Sanders may not be the party's NPC Chef.
1498. Dragon's eggs are not the 'true' breakfast of champions.
1499. My ogre may no longer play horseshoes with the horses still in them. (True story)
1500. I resolve to never put nano-disassemblers in my party's shampoo... again.
1501. Dragons do not speak Esperanto.
1502. Brigandage (Burning villages and raping women) is not a Sacrament of my Paladin's order.
1503. I am not allowed to have a Monk named Curly... anymore.
1504. ...Or Larry.
1505. ...Or Moe.
1506. I am not allowed to create my own martial art school of "Sum Dum Foo".
1507. A jack-in-the-box is not a musical instrument.
1508. No teleporting the villain to in front of the orbit of the moon, so they smash into it at orbital speed. (True story)
1509. I am not permitted to name my Hawaiian "Wannafeelmytiki". (True story)
1500. Spoons are not a musical instrument for my bard.
1511. Resolved to stop exploding the Panama Canal for fun and profit. (True story)
1512. It is impermissable to name ANYTHING the "One Eye'd Willie". (True story)
1513. ...or any character.
1514. Giving someone a powder burn or flesh wound is not an appropriate cure for hiccups. Surprising yes, appropriate no.
1515. Cleric pee is not an acceptable substitute for holy water.
1516. I may NEVER take IBS as a character disadvantage.
1517. I will quit miming checking if my blade is dull every time I miss a roll to strike. (True story)
1518. Will not bring real guns to the gaming session to help me "stay in character"... again. (True story)
1519. I will quit asking trolls if they have a thyroid problem.
1510. All wounds cannot be cured by spraying Windex on them.
1521. Am no longer allowed to "Go to the Mattresses".
1522. Cannot refer to my boy wonder sidekick as "Spanky".
1523. Demand Gregory House as my personal physician.
1524. Or claim to have stolen his cane.
1525. My bard can no longer have "Club DJ" as a skill.
1526. Techno is not a valid medieval musical style.
1527. My magic user does not have "Ignore" as a spell or cantrip.
1528. A heart condition is not a justifiable reason for more than 1 gallon of Nitroglycerine.
1529. Thor's hammer is not to be used for home improvement.
1520. There is no god of home renovation, and Bob Vila is not his patron saint.
1531. Am not allowed to burn out and fade away.
1532. No more requests to name my Spanish conquistador "El Nebuloso".
1533. I will quit trying to get the alchemist to sell the fighters steroids.
1534. The Dremel ™ is for woodworking, not information gathering. (True story)
1535. Quit referring to townfolk as "unprocessed XP".
1536. I am not a scourge of my god.
1537. Never again greet my evil arch enemy with "Dude, I thought you were bigger."
1538. The Battlestar Galactica is NOT my other ship.
1539. I may not create a bards' guild with Yoko Ono as its leader.
1530. Harps are not rapid-fire projectile weapons.
1541. A 20-pound sledge is not an appropriate Ordinance Disposal Tool.
1542. I resolve to never "wait" in disarming a device just so the LED shows 0.07 seconds left... again.
1543. My other boat is NOT the Red October.
1544. Hand Jive is not Thieves Cant.
1545. The Priestess is not to be referred to as "Sister Mary Elephant" anymore.
1546. My Female Cleric is not allowed to have a "+5 Ruler of Knuckle Smacking".
1547. There is no "+ANYTHING Habit of Protection".
1548. My monk's name is not Cueball.
1549. I accept the fact that if I use the Cantrip "Pinch" on a barmaid again I will have a piano dropped on me from great height. (True story)
1540. "Faking the funk" is not an acceptable strategy.
1551. Giving the Juicer a Jack LaLane power juicer to help him kick the habit is naughty by any standard.
1552. I may not make an Irish Zapper named "Ray O'Vac".
1553. There are no 'were-chinchillas', so I will no longer request to be one.
1554. No more declaring "I start drinking my own urine" on the first day of the sea voyage.
1555. Especially in a modern setting.
1556. Swallows of African or European descent are no longer tolerated as familiars.
1557. One more request to hear "Whiskey in the Jar" played by the bard is cause for a beating. (True story)
1558. May not name my Wemmic "Hello Kitty".
1559. Bikini Mail does not exist.
1550. Pedestrians are not speed bumps.
1561. No jumping on the cleric while screaming like a banshee to wake him up after a hard night drinking. (True story)
1562. Will no longer be allowed to use the created spell "Tutu" to convert armor to ballet clothing. (True Story)
1563. When the party says "take no action", I resolve to listen and not throw my spear at the Silver dragon just flying by... and get a critical success... and be happy about it. (True story)
1564. Frontline does not protect me from Purple Worms.
1565. Black Puddings are not an English delicacy.
1566. I will not host another unawakened rave at the Chantry.
1567. Rumplestiltskin is not my foster parent.
1568. Vicissitude the whole group into Leonard Nemoy clones in order for them not to be recognized. (true story)
1569. Nudist Toreador is not an acceptable concept for LARPs. (true story)
1560. Pissing on the building's doors in a Werewolf LARP. Marking the territory is not an acceptable motivation. (true story)
1571. Living halflings with regeneration powers tied under feet are not acceptable "shoes" for my half-giant's starting equipment. Even if I pay for them. (true story)
1572. Totally banned from making any character that forces the GM to wash his brain, such as "Sperminator, and The Secretion".
1573. And saying but I need the sticky entangle doesn't cut it.
1574. Absolutely forbidden from doing experiments on the sun.
1575. Extinguishing the sun to prevent global warming is right out.
1576. Not allowed to do spell research anymore.
1577. I may not eat my imaginary friends.
1578. I will not play a sentient gangsta mech.
1579. And even If I did, I would not have "homies".
1570. And they would most certainly not include vampire Soren Kierkegaard or highlander Immanuel Kant.
1581. I must never sing, hum, mouth or whistle the Shaft theme song during a game of Shadowrun. Even when playing as a street samurai. Ever. Yes, even if he's black as well.
1582. A monk's chain is not a martial arts weapon.
1583. Mr Welch does not fight to the finach 'cause he eats his spinach.
1584. Mr. Welch will not allow a satyr to use the Gift of Pan in a karaoke bar.
1585. It is in bad taste to defeat the city-sized elemental by having a henchman teleport over it, fall inside, and plane shift it into Pandemonium.
1586. During a game of Exalted, there will be no more feeding hundreds of doses of hallucinogenic drugs to a naive spellcaster. In fact, giving him any drugs at all is right out.
1587. In the event that a spellcasting Solar Exalted is hallucinating, encouraging him to cast magic in excess of 10 successes, or in any way aiding or abetting this behavior, is strictly forbidden.
1588. If the party has to pose as classical German composers, I will not declare "I'll be Bach".
1589. Cannot take the spetum as my favorite weapon just because it sounds dirty.
1580. No encouraging Swedish accents.
1591. Even if the rules give no maximum encumbrance, still can't pick up the bank and walk away with it.
1592. There is a reason no game has pasties in its starting equipment list.
1593. The Power Armor skill does not have a cascade skill dance.
1594. I will not build a character with a skill from every single expansion book.
1595. Not allowed to take a toad for a familiar just for its pharmaceutical properties.
1596. Restricted to one blue chip for humor per game.
1597. Can't use the time machine to rename famous historical discoveries after myself.
1598. Not allowed to forge the 1.1 ring.
1599. Fighter can't put points in Perform just so he can hammer dance after each fatal critical hit.
1600. No slipping the juicer Ritalin.
1601. In the middle of a chase in a commandeered car, I can't spend an action to change the radio presets.
1602. Can't parry with a called shot to the face.
1603. No more Crazy Ivans while I'm driving the AT-AT.
1604. When challenged to a high noon shoot-out, that means in the time zone I'm currently in.
1605. Burning my bard song on CD and putting it on repeat does not mean the effect never ends.
1606. Before turning undead, make sure the assassin didn't take the vampire template.
1607. My mythos investigator doesn't talk in his sleep.
1608. Mashed potatoes do not add to my damage resistance.
1609. Not allowed to base a paladin off Lee Marvin.
1610. My great axe priviledges can be taken away.
1611. If I've leveled up 5 times to the Dragonkin's 0, that doesn't mean I'm lapping him.
1612. My investigator's motto is not "99% Mythos Lore, 1% Sanity- don't push me".
1613. Even if it was obviously in self defense, my character is not allowed to kill George Takei.
1614. Tae Kwan Doberman is not a real martial art.
1615. It is not possible to bioengineer a kosher pig.
1616. Even if we are in Ravenloft, Paladin can't go up ten levels in one night.
1617. When told I have to join the RPGA to play in a game, can't sign the membership card "D. Duck."
1618. My tribe's trial by combat ritual is not best described as "Calvinball with axes".
1619. My paladin's job is not to enforce happiness.
1620. The following are also not acceptable Ironclaw characters: Mortal Wombat, Dalai Llama, Boom Orangutan.
1621. Monks do not make 3 Stooges sounds in combat.
1622. Even if the rules allow it, can't shoot 20 guys in one round with a musket.
1623. No I cannot keep the drow priestess we just found as a pet.
1624. "Start a career in modeling" is not an appropriate use of the Suggestion spell.
1625. "You take the scary one" is not our default battle strategy.
1626. Even if it's for his own safety, can't secretly remove the firing pins from the powergamer's guns.
1627. If I have access to warm water, I don't take watch unsupervised.
1628. Not allowed to give any birthday gift to a child that immediately earns me a Dark Side point.
1629. Despite the movie's claims, Wookiees get no racial bonus for chess.
1630. When building a superhero, can't spend half his points on radar sense and the other half on cooking.
1631. Pregen characters do not have cutesy nicknames, even if their real names are pretty lame.
1632. Improved Evasion is not solid proof "Duck and Cover" works.
1633. In the middle of the black ops, I can't lock a bunch of long haired molting cats into the CEO's office.
1634. If in the middle of our dressing-down our CO strokes out, we took the joke too far.
1635. Not allowed to use guppies as buckshot.
1636. Can't hunt drow with a spotlight and 30.06.
1637. The default response to a social challenge in any game is not to just shoot them.
1638. We do not settle disputes in Paper-Rock-Scissors with games of Vampire.
1639. Fake eyespots on my helmets do not help intimidate the monster.
1640. If my personal carried firepower exceeds that of the Battleship Texas, there's a problem.
1641. I cannot take the Dementia: Obsession counting things if I'm not a Malkavian.
1642. On second thought, I can't take it even if I am a Malkavian.
1643. My character cannot have a noticable impact, positive or negative, on a town's population.
1644. Large dice are for rolling. Not sound effects.
1645. Covering fire does not include nuclear weapons.
1646. I don't earn the bonus XP for a written background if it's just a summary of the plot to Dig Dug.
1647. While the party is off searching for secret doors, I can't position the slain orcs in compromising positions.
1648. In the middle of a black ops, I can't reprogram the cleaning droids to wax the floors for 12 hours straight.
1649. I don't have to take a lower-level bard adventuring as my opening act.
1650. Taking the orc warlord's skull as a trophy is acceptable. Not as a hand puppet.
1651. Sending the villain a nymph stripper only works once.
1652. Somebody doesn't "accidentally" fall on two dozen shanks.
1653. The adventure wrap-up is the epilogue. Not Miller Time.
1654. Can't challenge anyone to a dance-off. To the death.
1655. Augment their psi means their mental powers, not their air pressure.
1656. Taking each class as I level in alphabetical order is forbidden.
1657. Even if the rules allow it, my Paladin can't serve the god of obituaries.
1658. My sorcerer will not take a level in druid just to make it easier to get to the flammable stuff.
1659. If everybody in the room is in black leather, we're in the thieves' guild. Not a fetish club.
1660. Even if infinitely useful, absolute power over elastics is not an appropriate super power.
1661. The back-up trap handler is not the guy with the lowest INT.
1662. I cannot have Bracers of Brachiation until I tell the DM what brachiation really means.
1663. Elves do not respond to chainsaws the same ways dogs react to vacuum cleaners.
1664. My battlemech does not play Dixie every time I hit the jump jets.
1665. Even if the mage critically fumbles his stealth check, can't threaten to bleed him slow.
1666. Despite the song's claim, a pelvic thrust does not cause Sanity loss.
1667. Even if we are in Sweden, I can't use one blanket seduction check on the entire crowd.
1668. I didn't 'accidentally' forget to buy any skills.
1669. I will not run up my bar tab and then skip out leaving the DM's super NPC to foot the bill.
1670. Overrunning a larger army is not a glorious victory if it happened at 3AM and they were still in bed.
1671. I will stop reminding Elminster he's not as cool as Merlin, Gandalf or that shapechanging wizard from Krull.
1672. I cannot lure out the Psycho Killer into an ambush by having sex with another character.
1673. No paraphrasing the party leader's elaborate plan as 'pick somebody you don't like and let them know it'.
1674. Even if the rules allow it, I can't take the 1st Armored Division as an ally.
1675. Doesn't matter how high my influence is; I still can't make Carmen Miranda hats part of the unit's dress code.
1676. In the middle of a black ops, no inserting a memo into the target's computer mandating 'clothing optional Mondays'.
1677. Even if it would have immediately solved the last six adventures, I won't throw dynamite in every well I come across.
1678. No more tricking rookies into putting whoopee cushions on Lord Vader's throne.
1679. When handed Deities and Demigods and told to pick a god for my druid, I will skip right by the Cthulhu Mythos.
1680. It doesn't matter how high his hit points or damage reduction are, we aren't sending the dwarf into battle via catapult.
1681. As a matter of fact, Jeopardy does screen for telepaths.
1682. It's not a good idea to taunt Greek heroes with "Who's your daddy?"
1683. Doesn't matter if it's an anime style game, I don't get a bonus to hit with eyepokes.
1684. Polymorph Mother-in-Law is not a real spell.
1685. The Caern is not "Disneyworld as if run by coyotes".
1686. The FBI tends to notice when people buy several miles of hamster tubing at once.
1687. Doesn't matter how practical, we aren't reanimating the dead dragon and having him haul that hoard back for us.
1688. When plumbing the depths of depravity, I must remember to come up for air.
1689. Any superhero offensive to more than two major religions is vetoed.
1690. Even if I'm faced with yet another Get of Fenris Lupus Ahroun, I will not refer to him as CliChe Guevara.
1691. We will not take the dead dryad with us to use as kindling.
1692. I will not keep reincarnating that bugbear until he comes back as something we can actually eat.
1693. A funeral is not a proper place for setting new fashion trends.
1694. I will not disbelieve the magic mouth before he gives out the important plot information.
1695. Even if it is hours of entertainment, can't feed the Red Talon peanut butter.
1696. I will concede we're on a dungeon crawl and stop trying to talk to the monsters.
1697. Under religion I cannot put Born Again Klingon.
1698. I will not use undocumented zombie workers to help build my castle.
1699. Bigby's Offensive Finger is not a real spell.
1700. Even if there is no alignment in Traveller, giving feuding TL1 tribes TL12 weapons and putting the results on PPV is just wrong.

1701. My doctor's bag will contain more than just a bonesaw and a bottle of whiskey.
1702. I do not put the cad in decadent, nor the rave in depraved.
1703. Even if it's catchy, I don't have to yell my battle cry every time I roll to attack.
1704. We can't all play bards just to relive our favorite Spinal Tap moments.
1705. I cannot have a gun with an area of affect larger than its range.
1706. Richard Simmons is not an appropriate role model for a Get of Fenris.
1707. I will not use my vast personal knowledge of Dublin, Texas to get an unfair advantage in the campaign.
1708. My halfling cannot take the flaw Obsession: Ring of Invisibility.
1709. Any gun that sets off the metal detector before I even pass through it is vetoed.
1710. I will not combine Thermographic Sights and a gun that can shoot through walls. It makes Black Ops too easy.
1711. After cleaning out Ravenloft, when it's my turn to pick treasure, I can't call dibs on the castle.
1712. If my superhero has a healing factor, claws, combat sense and longevity, he can't take the flaw Total Pacifist.
1713. If I want to play a rampaging Nordic warrior and get handed a treehugging elf hippie instead, I can't play her like a rampaging Nordic warrior.
1714. Even if I am playing a chick, I can't spend all my starting cash on shoes.
1715. Rifts in the time/space continuum are not for my personal amusement.
1716. Buying a bigger gun does not restore sanity.
1717. Searching the dead PC for spell components is okay. Using him for spell components is not.
1718. Any character that can run the 2 minute mile is vetoed.
1719. I will not convince the party to name all the characters the same thing.
1720. I do not need to see proof of insurance before making a medtech roll.
1721. Customs doesn't care what my charisma bonus is.
1722. Halflings do not store food in their cheeks for winter.
1723. Elves are not decidious.
1724. Despite evidence to the contrary, half-elves do not automatically go both ways.
1725. Breast enhancing spells gain no benefits from meta-magic feats.
1726. I will not try to regain sanity by nailing the reporter chick in public.
1727. Dwarves do not get Roto-Rooters as racial weapons.
1728. I will not brag too loudly that I'm the real reason behind the sinking of the Titanic.
1729. Cultists tend to notice if you've replaced their summoning ritual with Jitterbug instructions.
1730. Invisibility is all or nothing, can't just target their clothes.
1731. I can't just keeping buy rounds of drinks until everybody passes out so I can rob them.
1732. I will not miss the final epic battle just because I crit my seduction check.
1733. Polish is not a sub-dialect of gnomish.
1734. Any action causing the powergamer to storm off, while actually appreciated, is frowned upon.
1735. Healing people of other faiths gets a penalty in Deadlands. Not Serenity.
1736. I will not have the architect build my castle using a hexadecimal base to screw with the powergamer.
1737. I will not fill the Bag of Holding with dirt so we can just fill in pit traps as we detect them.
1738. In the middle of the Black Ops, a diversion is not blowing off the top twenty floors of the building.
1739. Can't set the bad guy on fire until after I've blown the persuasion roll.
1740. If I fail to make a bluff check, can't shoot him to change it to an intimidate check.
1741. Not possible to fire a gun with your teeth.
1742. Humming the James Bond theme in the middle of a Black Ops doesn't give me any bonuses.
1743. They make plate mail in a variety of styles. Crotchless is not one of them.
1744. Can't use my attack bonus as a substitute for the skill: Hibachi Chef.
1745. I can't take Telekinesis as an auxilary mode just to get free food from the snack machine.
1746. Dual wielding spike chains does not let me use the battlecry "DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!"
1747. I will not convince the entire party to play rockerboys so we can be a Europe cover band.
1748. Can't take a level of monk just for tone.
1749. Droogie is not a starting language.
1750. After casting my one first level spell, can't leave the dungeon to go sleep.
1751. Can't bribe the biokinetic to take my drug test for me.
1752. On second thought, let's not disguise the Wookiees in the stormtrooper uniforms.
1753. A runic facial tattoo is acceptable for my berserker. Not a Betty Boop.
1754. Havng one point in every single skill in the game doesn't count as a super power.
1755. Can't clean out the dungeon by renting the adjacent dungeon and being as obnoxious as possible.
1756. Goldfish do not get a bonus in a staredown.
1757. My mech gunner can't have a nude pinup in his cockpit. Especially if it's of his pilot.
1758. "But she's hot!" is not an acceptable excuse for my Black Ops solo dating the tabloid reporter.
1759. No matter how much we look, we're not finding the secret door leading to the back of the villain's hideout.
1760. Druids do not hibernate.
1761. Before I make my next wish I have to ask myself: "Is this going to shatter the very fabric of reality again?"
1762. Any gun that can fire more rounds in one shot than I can physically carry is vetoed.
1763. If given a stock NPC, I must play him as written. So Jar-Jar has to lose the sarape and the cigar.
1764. I do not get a bulk discount at the jenny's guild.
1765. The Flaw: Odious Personal Habit- Teleports into romantic moments is only available at the maximum penalty.
1766. Telekinetic Redhead Chick is not a real superhero.
1767. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot circumnavigate the world on foot in one turn.
1768. There are no alignment restrictions on becoming a lawyer.
1769. Nowhere in the Bible does it say ninjas have to line up in a straight line to fight me.
1770. If escorting a high priority target, I can't biosculpt the entire team to look like her.
1771. Nerve gas complicates fast talk rolls.
1772. Cannot take the shape of any animal the GM doesn't know.
1773. 'The power of Christ compels me' does not justify my Blessed's actions.
1774. I cannot take life insurance out on anybody I have for the enemy background.
1775. Psychotherapy doesn't eliminate the alignment change penalty.
1776. Just because I've hit name level does not automatically give me groupies.
1777. I will not abuse the Exemplary virtue to set up highly choreographed dance routines with random crowds.
1778. In the middle of a black ops, I cannot make an educational video.
1779. We do not need an elf on this dungeon crawl for the same reason miners need canaries.
1780. I am not Bjorn of Borg.
1781. Before accepting a harem as a reward for my heroism, need to check with the wife.
1782. I don't get any equipment before the GM can Google it.
1783. If Australia doesn't exist, I can't use my Australian accent. Even if I am playing a space koala.
1784. I cannot bet the powergamer he can't field-strip the grenade faster than me.
1785. Even if the rules allow it, I can't catch dropped cannonballs with my teeth without drawbacks.
1786. I will not make my castle's halls 9x9x9' to keep out gelatinious cubes.
1787. The ability to give superpowers to characters is acceptable. Naming the character Captain Franchise is not.
1788. The most important stat in Call of Cthulhu is not movement.
1789. Keifer Sutherland does not make numerous cameos in my character's background telling him he's destined for greatness.
1790. No matter how high my strength, still can't use that wall as a shield.
1791. I will not convince the entire party to play identical copies of the same character on the grounds we're sextuplets.
1792. No matter his age, my bard can't start a boy-band.
1793. Despite the halberd being 6' long, it can't hit monsters more than 5' away.
1794. Even if it's been more than two hours since we left the bar, the dwarf isn't getting the DT's.
1795. No matter how practical, I can't have shotgun-chucks.
1796. The town drunk is not our one stop source for all mythos happenings in every town.
1797. I will not base my Call of Cthulhu character off the lead character in Sling Blade.
1798. Even if I am pissed for working on my birthday, in the middle of a Black Ops I will not refer to my CO only by his first name.
1799. If I don't have an instrument for my bardic song, an 'air mandolin' won't suffice.
1800. After critting with a cannon, we can't dump a barrel of gunpowder over the gunner's mate.
1801. Elves aren't marsupials.
1802. Even if we're freezing to death, I won't cut open the half-orc and shove the elf inside him.
1803. Using precog on the personals to find out who puts out on a first date is abusing the power.
1804. There is no such thing as a Tequila Golem.
1805. A paladin with a British accent is acceptable. One with a Peter Lorre accent isn't.
1806. When I'm allowed a bunny as a familiar, that doesn't include Ava Fabian.
1807. It doesn't include that rabbit from that movie, either.
1808. I will not make a superhero that requires a graphing calculator to create.
1809. I cannot take the flaw Enemy: Random packs of wild dogs.
1810. "Threesome" is not a specialty of the seduction skill.
1811. Shotguns are not a traditional part of Texas funerals.
1812. If short-changed at the Hong Kong deli, I will call the manager. Not roll for initiative.
1813. There is something wrong with a 2nd-level Kamikaze.
1814. I was not issued a flamethrower for my own personal amusement.
1815. Disable plot device is not a real skill.
1816. Nowhere in the plan does Franco go in where the others have been.
1817. Mumus do not appear in the starting equipment list for a reason.
1818. As a matter of fact, a 90' tall hostile pineapple is much more terrifying than a dragon.
1819. My last wish cannot be for Ragnarok.
1820. Trailblaze means find a path, not cut down every tree between here and there.
1821. Elves do not take 1d3+1 minutes for their entire menstrual cycle.
1822. In the middle of a black ops, I cannot moonlight as tech support.
1823. Even if it isn't in the rules, I have to use the same scale miniature as everybody else.
1824. I cannot switch miniatures between each combat.
1825. Even if starving, can't suckle the elf chick.
1826. David Bowie cannot cast glitterdust at will. This issue is also closed.
1827. When asked to describe my character, I can leave out the hickies.
1828. Even if he botches his medicine roll, I can't sue the medtech for malpractice.
1829. "Kiww the Wabbit" is not a proper Viking battlecry.
1830. The rest of the party would appreciate it if I didn't take Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy as a flaw.
1831. Even if the rules allow it, I can't empty out the entire castle for a week with just a cherry bomb.
1832. Corporate Pop Whore is not a real prestige class.
1833. Drakkar Heartgouger is not a proper name for a paladin.
1834. Dwarves can't take trees as favored enemies.
1835. I can't beat on the drow until he admits his name is Toby.
1836. The script for the Baywatch movie does not cause more Sanity loss than the Necronomicon.
1837. I can't train squirrel mobs to abuse the grapple rules.
1838. I will stop referring to the powergamer as MiniMaximus.
1839. No matter how bad the game is going, I won't straddle the table like Slim Pickens riding a bomb.
1840. "Spell range: touch" is not an excuse to slap the target across the face.
1841. That goes double for pimp slaps.
1842. Triple against women.
1843. I will not laugh like Darkhosis every time the target ammoexes. Bahaha.
1844. The female tiefling's horns are not 'handlebars'.
1845. When devising a name for my Exalt, I am not allowed to use the title of any pop hit from the 1980s. (No Eclipse Caste named "Careless Whisper" or Zenith Caste named "Walking on Sunshine" for you....)
1846. When devising a name for my Exalt, I am not allowed to use the title of any pop hit from any era.
1847. That goes double for naming artifact weapons.
1848. And for naming relic weapons from Scion.
1849. I Cannot become a Mycanoid by ingesting their spores
1850. The Barbarian is not allowed to keep his slain enemy's heads in a sack
1851. This applies to Bags of Holding and other items that can be used for the transport of heads
1852. Nor is he allowed to sell said heads
1853. Not allowed to drink an unlabeled potion without making the correct checks first
1854. Not allowed to touch hallucinogenic mushrooms
1855. that goes double when you are the power character
1856. not allowed to spend X days in game milking venomous snakes that you have summoned, to create a nerve poison that when poured into the sole water source will effectively kill everything in a 5 mile radius... except the mycanoids
1857. Not allowed to play a Fey again, ever
1858. You cannot play a Mind Flayer
1859. You cannot drink the cactus juice
1860. Even if it's the quenchiest
1861. You cannot roll a persuasion check to convince the legendary weapon to enchant your regular weapon.
Up is down, left is right and sideways is straight ahead. - Cord "Circle of Iron", 1978 (written by Bruce Lee and James Coburn... really...)
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#2
Quote:1291. I will not mock the elves for having 4000 years of civilization and yet no bicycle or steam power.

But that's incredibly true! Shocked
How unfair! Angry

Quote:1448. “Hail Lord Illpalazo” is not a good battle cry.

Face Palm Oh man! Indifferent They have no hope if they dared to watch that creepy crappy anime...
"For God has not destined us for wrath, but for obtaining salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ," 1 Thessalonians 5:9

Maranatha!

The Internet might be either your friend or enemy. It just depends on whether or not she has a bad hair day.

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My Original Stories (available in English and Spanish)

List of Compiled Binary Executables I have published...
HiddenChest & Roole

Give me a free copy of your completed game if you include at least 3 of my scripts! Laughing + Tongue sticking out

Just some scripts I've already published on the board...
KyoGemBoost XP VX & ACE, RandomEnkounters XP, KSkillShop XP, Kolloseum States XP, KEvents XP, KScenario XP & Gosu, KyoPrizeShop XP Mangostan, Kuests XP, KyoDiscounts XP VX, ACE & MV, KChest XP VX & ACE 2016, KTelePort XP, KSkillMax XP & VX & ACE, Gem Roulette XP VX & VX Ace, KRespawnPoint XP, VX & VX Ace, GiveAway XP VX & ACE, Klearance XP VX & ACE, KUnits XP VX, ACE & Gosu 2017, KLevel XP, KRumors XP & ACE, KMonsterPals XP VX & ACE, KStatsRefill XP VX & ACE, KLotto XP VX & ACE, KItemDesc XP & VX, KPocket XP & VX, OpenChest XP VX & ACE
Reply }
#3
Quote:1273. I will stop singing "Stabilize, Stabilize, Sta - Sta -Staaaaa - aaaa - bi - iiii - iii - lze" to Staying Alive theme music.
1274. Especially when I am not a bard.
1275. With a negative result in Heal.

Ironically enough, real life CPR training they told us that when keeping time with chest compressions, we'd sing "Dah Dah Dah, Another One bites the dust..." by Queen
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ITCH: jayray.itch.io
Currently working on Goblin Gulch (MV)
Currently working on JayVinci Resurrection
Currently working on Bakin ABS (BAKIN)
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