What's on your mind?

[Kain Nobel]

Easter weekend of 2019, this young girl called my work to let the manager know she won't be able to show up that Sunday because family plans. I thought it was the cutest thing ever, but I had to let her know that she called the wrong number since nobody by her name worked here. She asked me to google the phone number for the JC Penney's store she worked at and I kindly looked it up for her. Our work numbers were just a number or two different, so simple mistake.

However, since that fateful moment, I've made it one of my secret pleasures to call a place I've never worked at and be like "Hey, I won't be able to make it to work on [Holiday] because my family and I made plans."

On Friday, I had called 4 places of business, as a guy named "John", to let them know I would be too drunk on the 4th of July to show up. The manager had told me nobody named John works there, and I had to reassure them "yes, I've been working at this chicken shack for 5 years, you're out of your mind." (It was a chicken place.) I was very insistent that, yes, I do work there, and no, you don't pay me enough to ruin my good time.

The next place I called, well, unfortunately there was a John that worked there, so I had to come clean and let them know it was a prank. I told them I know John, and he's a good employee, and you should give him a raise. Then I played stupid and told them my name is John too, and that we like to give each other a hard time. They sounded amused, I think I might've actually made somebody's day. Also, I'm sure the real John is a good guy, so I advocated for him. Based on what I've heard about the real John, his employer sound very proud and I do hope he gets a raise. A really good one. I think he will. God bless the real John.

Another place I called was like "You stopped showing up 6 months ago so we fired you. Why are you calling in? You don't work here anymore, John." Then they realized I'm not John and started questioning me why I had called them. I wanted to tell them why, but I didn't have the heart to tell them why. I don't think they'd understand anyway, so I had to just hang up.

I've never had the balls to call off from a real job, so doing this gives me an unbelievable dopamine rush. I've always wanted to call out from work, especially for no good reason at all. I've fantasized about it for many years. I hope to one day be able to have the cajones to really call out from an actual job, but I'm too much of a responsible schmuck so it'll probably never happen.

Also, I've worked through so many 4th of Julys in my life that I'm surprised I haven't become a communist. I feel like I've missed out on so many good memories. Yeah, I'm going to make it a point to one day quit working on holidays, period, I don't care if it's time and a half pay, they can shove it. I want my life back. I want to be able to look back at my life and have memories that aren't centered around work and customer interactions and corporate bullshit. All work and no play leads to an empty life full of regret, and I regret it so much that I get sick to my stomach thinking about it.

BTW, I wish everybody a happy 4th of July. Seriously. I think, in the last 15 years, I've maybe seen it... once? I have fond and precious memories of 4th of July with my girlfriend back in high school. I cherish those memories, even if I'm not with that girl and we've both moved on, I'm glad to have experienced it at least.

I don't have fond memories of 4th of July with my family and my current lady because I think I've worked all of them. The one that I saw? Well, everybody was working, so that was lonely too. I want everything (except hospitals) to be closed 4th of July, I don't think ANYBODY should be working. If you're scheduled to work on the 4th, CALL OUT! Seriously. It's not worth it. Go make some damn memories.