What's on your mind?

[millarso]

No matter how natural I act on the Internet or in real life, it has become very apparent that I am struggling — and failing — to win the war against this strong sense of sadness that I have.

I have been heartbroken more times than I could count now. I had lost sleep over thinking of her, but whenever I do find rest, they occur at the most inopportune of times such as when I am trying to consume food at the dining table, writing snippets of code, or watching a programme. Nowadays, I have trouble waking both body and mind up simultaneously on a nigh consistent basis. The fact that my hair has been falling out at a much rapid pace has not helped ease my pain.

I don't think I will be walking away from this battle unscathed. This is a far different ordeal that I am dealing with. This is three years of my life that I have spent down the drain. Those past three years have been nothing more than a lie.

The love I had regained for the world because of her has now been swept away, and the pessimistic yet jovial man that I am, or rather was, has died.

What remains here before you is the empty shell of a man that once was. She, who once was my greatest inspiration, has now transformed into the greatest of my failures. I am a broken man in a sea of broken men.

Will I ever find the solace that I am due? Or am I to be left to wander amongst the wasteland of my heartbreaks, to eventually slip into an unfathomable abyss, never to return? My personal contest for redemption and true ferocity has truly begun...

Assuming you aren't talking about the rye bread you spewed earlier, I feel strongly for you, my friend.
A couple years ago, I was with a woman who I had been dating for two years when it ended abruptly and unexpectedly.
I was saving up money for a ring because we had spent many a night talking about our marriage and how spectacular it was going to be, our children's future names, and the life we were to lead, and then one day (unfortunately right before the finals that I absolutely bombed my freshman year) it was all gone. I spent the next year and a half in bitterness, anger, and confusion.

I must say, time does not necessarily heal every little wound, but I am still here. I am alive and happy to be so. I'm sure it isn't apparent to you right now, and you shouldn't force yourself to feel good, but if you open yourself up, healing will occur eventually.

There is so much in this world to love. You shouldn't let anyone define that but yourself. Other people can supplement that, but that love for the world has to come from you. I have had to learn that the hard way. It isn't always easy to get up every morning after a hit like that, but there are still people to meet and experiences to be had if you can manage to pull yourself up.

I've had collapse after collapse of dedicated relationships as a victim of circumstance, but for some reason I still have faith that there is someone special waiting for me somewhere. Keep your head up and eyes open. I'm sure there is someone like that for you too, but in the meantime, don't wait for that "someone" to make you. Make yourself. Best of wishes.

P.S. If it was about the bread, then shame on you for igniting my sentiments sir... haha.