What's on your mind?

[Kain Nobel]

I think I have an undiagnosed mental disorder that prevents me from enjoying anything. I really wish I wasn't like this, but I'll be damned if I start going back to counseling and getting on psyche medication again. Just trying to get into anything makes me feel sick to my stomach, most of the time it's forced. Better Call Saul is an example of a "forced" enjoyment, I scream at myself "YOU BETTER LIKE THIS M*****F***ER!" Some people probably can't stand fanboys, but I wish that I could be a fanboy of something (occasionally it happens... for a minute.)

I think that's what drives me as a developer, the fact that I don't like anything, so I'm forced to make something I (don't) enjoy. It's probably fucking awesome though, I hope the world will one day like it :)

AMC is the greatest thing since sliced bread... despite the fact I don't like any of their shows. At the same time, I can respect it, as they're making television shows, all the other networks seem irrelevant. The Walking Dead is boring as hell, and Sons of Anarchy is a chore to even attempt to watch, but it's better than Ancient Aliens and Honey Boo Boo. Everybody and their mother has a remodeling show, cake decorating show, culinary show, fake forensics show, etc.

Unable to enjoy anything, love and life included, I've now become a gym rat. I joke with my lady it's because I have an inferiority complex but, being around a bunch of sweaty men larger than me, I've found I've actually got an unexplainable superiority complex, yet at the same time I'm quick to tell myself "Not good enough" at whatever I do. Nothing is ever "good enough" and I will never be satisfied, my so-called perfection obsession will probably end up being the death of me.

I remain polite to the world (most of the time), but I abuse the living hell out of myself, often times for no reason at all. Currently, I'm on a hunger strike and a sleep strike, but it has no purpose. I haven't ate since Thursday, I haven't slept since Friday, I'm listening to the heaviest and most obnoxious metal one can find, I'll probably crash tonight and miss the first two days of work due to temporary exhaustion and insanity. Also, these bands suck ass and I'm finally ending my hunger strike with some Kraft macaroni and cheese.

Loneliness is another weird phenomenon of an emotion which, in my world, doesn't make sense. I feel it when I'm with the ones I love, and sometimes I cope with it by being away from them, which seems like the opposite way to combat such a feeling. I'd like to make friends outside of my relationship but, when I do, I simply find people annoying and phase them out of my life as quickly as I can.

Aside from online and family, the only friend I have is crazy like I am, and I haven't been speaking with her because she's finally (hopefully) getting her act together, but when I talked to her tonight... I think she's about to end her cycle and I'm about to start mine, so the next week or so could end up being a ying/yang ordeal. She jokes that I should get into psychiatry or become a psychic, or even a psychic psychiatrist, but I think both professions are frauds, yet she insists I have the "gift". One time she told me I was telepathically sending her an image of Justin Bieber, and I was... but I think it is actually her who has the mind reading abilities, I'm just some slob that thinks the Biebs is funny, thinking of his silly face makes me laugh when I'm down.

I did recently get two hours of sleep, but was awoken by the voice of an angry bobcat. I never heard my dogs bark, so apparently somebody is slacking on their night watch duty (or was eaten by an angry bobcat). I hear my brother in law going out back to have a cigarette, I wonder if I should tell him about the angry bob cat...