Cheesie James The Rodent Annoyance - Printable Version

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Cheesie James The Rodent Annoyance - kyonides - 01-21-2017

Cheesie James The Rodent Annoyance
Written by Kyonides
Chapter I: A New Rodent Agent Versus the Real World
"This is no mission for cowards, my dear Cheesie James! In your sly skills we trust to fetch us as many water bottles, root beers and cheese variants as you may find inside those bad smelling furry wolves' fridges; birch beers are your last option, no matter whether or not some of your friends here love it. You're our best rodent agent we have ever trained so be now proud of your own abilities and repay us by bringing us tons of presents as dire proof of your courage!"

You're right, those were the words uttered by the High Advisor of the Rodent Council of Maryland, or of their eleventh District at least, before our easily frightened friend Cheesie James had left them in search for tasty food and soft drinks. It was supposed to be an incredibly hard task for a young mouse like him, but he had to put up with his basic home infiltration training. "I... I know I could do it..." he told himself not sure if he would succeed at all.

"See dear CJ, I'm glad to hear you're gonna get deployed anytime soon, I was expecting this to ever happen from a long time now" his old instructor or probably his mentor as well commented once he was capable of realizing his former student was finally going outside, to the large and dangerous world, to become a new hero for all those little but highly influentiable mice still growing up in his home nest.

Cheesie quietly replied "sir, I wouldn't call it a deployment but some sort of 'getting rid of this pesky youngling once for all' kind of action". James was hopelessly ready to get a damn heavy tail beating for his terribly bold speech, instead he was stopped by Senior Instructor Max Teeth, as this old mouse usually introduced himself to new cadets, making the scared CJ think he was about to get deep and sound like one of those true wise mice of yore.

Max took a deep breath and then stared at Cheesie James again before saying "you're gonna be alright, my friend, so don't let your fears get the best of your silly fur". Mister Teeth left him behind and walked straight to where some students were hanging out to make them learn what discipline actually meant for brave mice. That was what he thought he might be doing there, not noticing they never had the makings of true agents or spies or anything but mere parasites.

"That's my old grunting teacher! He never gives up on anybody for the first three years at least..." Cheesie abruptly stopped talking and remained silent for the rest of his difficult journey out of their secret training facilities, nothing fanciful but just some small sized and ruined shopping center. "Now that I'm thinking about it, I never knew what actually happened to those mice that never listened to our instructor ever" James wondered slightly intrigued.

After a few feet that looked like miles in his rodent mind, he felt he had to take a break. It was crushing his tiny heart to leave that place, he spent hours with his friends playing a few arcade games like one about supernatural fights with arrogant humans or several otherwordly but also overpowered beings. Two mice teamed up to either push the round buttons or the stick, high scores hardly included any of their own scores except in one game about shooting down dozens of ugly looking aliens. They even dared to place ridiculous bets and rarely honor their large debts because they were not really affordable from the very beginning. "Now your mom gotta cooks us some smoked cheese with lots of spaghetti and a coat of tomato sauce on top of it, Red" he had yelled at one of the losers back in those silly days.

James took the chance to slip into the abandoned arcade store one last time, he felt that he might not play anything that fun for the rest of his live. Later he sharpened his teeth with some useless trash he found around before meeting the real world for the first time ever. What a lonely block it was! How could it be that he could not find any humans around? "Gladly, I didn't find any cat so far, but I wonder if it's just because my mouse senses are dull for any reason..." Cheesie James curiously said, ignoring how the world does not turn around miniature living beings like him.

He kept running away from home, being a bit confused and wishing to find out how the hell he was supposed to find some darn wolf in the midst of sorrowful city. James needed to walk through many blocks, sometimes even sort of filled with dirt, to finally find the lively commercial zone. It was known for being the best place to look for people with money in their pockets, getting ready to spend it at some store like the Birch Beer Pawn Shop.

"I wonder if those tall guys might carry shiny coins like those we've found in the arcade, they sure looked quite funny" said an innocent Cheesie James lingering away. A few moments later, the rodent carefully stepped into the store avoiding getting stomped on the frame by the closing door, he saw awesome stuff there that he had never thought they ever existed.

Fine, it was nothing worth your precious time, but he had never seen a computer, a keyboard, a mouse that never had to take a breath, a hot coffee mug with a weird logo, lots of monitors displaying every single thing that was taking place there at that moment, a taser to paralyze aggresive patrons in a timely fashion, a dangerous black club, some smelly hat, many nice looking yellow, red or green lights, and something that made him suspect they could be actual snacks he could devour in no time.

Cheesie had no choice but to leave them behind and quickly hide somewhere because a tall guy slipped in talking to himself "and finally I can take my darn coffee break alone, and man, they're gonna regret those morons didn't pay their share, these lovely sugar coated donuts are mine and mine only!"

It was quite intriguing for the young rodent agent, he had never heard anything about such donuts nor seen sugar covering any dish at all. How did that ever taste? How heavy were they? Was there any chance to take them back to their headquarters? Anxiety was getting the best of poor hungry James, he had an extreme urge to bite one of those delicacies, but he had no plan to distract the tall guy so he could snatch one of them at least.

Later on he noticed a trash can that made him wonder if there was any evidence of people drinking root or birch beers lately. He checked on the guy before he started running, he had to be careful and stop right under his chair to avoid getting spotted by him. Even so excitement was too much for a small heart so he had to take breaks for he was forced to take deep breaths. Cheesie kept running back and forth and got close to getting stomped by the tall guy once or twice till he finally reached the black can.

The security officer was busy reading a newspaper then, making it a good time to climb up and peak at the trash can's actual contents. From atop he could distinguish some familiar shapes like boring pieces of lettuce. "Damn it, whatever that actually means, I can't believe it, this can would be the perfect food court for our cousins the rabbits; those large eared rodents really love to eat carrots and lettuce!" James commented without thinking about getting sighted by anybody that might be lurking around. Tomato slices, cucumbers, and anything humans might call healthy food was rotting there all alone. Curiously no cheese was ever found there.

He had not to lose hope that fast, among such wasted food there was a damn delicious root beer can! That was the confirmation Cheesie James ever needed, now he only had to look for a machine that could be keeping them cool for him to steal them.

There was a problem, he would need to hire somebody to help him take them to a safe place. "Rule Three: Never bring an outsider or you both are going to pay for it!" CJ exclaimed recalling a boring part of his past training. The only reason why he did not forget about it was what vicious rumors said about another student that went missing after trusting an evil rat and letting it get too close to their nest's actual location. Mice once feared a war had begun that fateful day, but for some reason the young ones never felt they were in danger at all; nobody had ever found any traces of a bloody battle ensuing anywhere.

To be continued someday...

(This chapter was published on as well under my pen name kyonides. I edited this chapter so you might want to reread it if possible.)

RE: Cheesie James The Rodent Annoyance - kyonides - 07-07-2021

Chapter Two

Training Hard

Who is Senior Instructor Max Teeth? Why has he been trusted with training new rodent agents for over a decade? Nobody knows much about his distant past except for the very same High Advisor Snatcher. Other Rodent Council members like White Cream suspect they knew each other while being assigned to another district.

Cream would never support Teeth, no matter what could ever happen next. When Max was still an elite agent, she did everything she could to refrain other members from promoting him to instructor. He was growing old, yet, White preferred to assign him difficult missions hoping some feline competitor would indirectly take care of the rest on her behalf. To her deep dismay, Maximus the Brave, as he was usually called to piss her off, would always return victorious.

His second to last mission was not successful, still, his efforts prevented other mice from being slaughtered by stray cats and booby traps. Thus his heroism became legendary among all rodents, including some rat gangsters. Seriously, they tried to recruit him several times in a row right after that unusual event.

Ya know, we’d love to work with ya!” said a bad looking rat while biting some stick. “We learned ‘bout yer feats and we won’t leave ya alone till ya join us.”

What Teeth did that day was incredible according to rodent sources. He managed to steal from the gangsters and stay alive to tell the tale! White Cream was extremely furious, and pressed charges against Max for instigating the rats to wage war against poor mice. The rest of the council members did have their own doubts regarding how he could retrieve so many cheese slices and root beers in such a short period of time. Nonetheless, days passed and no war declaration ever arrived. Young agents were not ambushed nor killed by any opposing group.

Knowing Cheesie James, you might have guessed by now that he would not buy such a weird story just because another council member said so. While he still was a simple cadet at the academy, James dared to pay the rat gangsters a visit. Something like that could have eroded the fragile peace between both rodent species, but Cheesie demonstrated that he had succeeded at finding out the truth about his mentor’s feat.

Our instructor is nothing but a jester” CJ boldly stated, “for he’d simply forged a secret alliance with gangster lieutenant Twelve Pack.”

Come on, Cheesie, how could he ever get such a huge payment for his services if had done nothing for his new allies?” fellow cadet Slow Paw questioned him.

He gotta have provided them with classified info from our district and those cats he faced back when he failed to retrieve the otherworldly treasure” James explained without hesitation.

Pffft! That’s totally absurd and you know it, CJ!” cadet Slick Tail remarked.

Absurd you say!? Really?” a bothered Cheesie James yelled. “No way, Slick! I can tell you it’s highly probable for he had informed them only about what the Advisor Snatcher had told him earlier that week during a secret meeting. And I know this meeting actually took place because my cousin Gouda was nearby patiently waiting for him to exit that room. Thus we can easily conclude it all was part of a master plan to keep us safe for the time being.”

Soon an upperclassman would draw near to ground them for not focusing on Max Teeth’s super duper agent training plan. Later on all three cadets were summoned at a lonely place only to learn from a substitute trainer that they had to run like crazy inside the Wheel of Fortune Complex also known as the Eleventh District’s main power plant. No, dear readers, they did not get any double ration of cheese for all their hard work and tiredness there. Who would tell mice were sadistic?

Not longer thereafter, he had to listen to a boring speech his teacher had prepared to make his student repent from ever coming up with such a extravagant conspiracy theory aimed at destroying his legendary reputation as a former elite agent. The other two mice had left the complex a few minutes before he had cleared his old throat.

From now on, cadet Cheesie James, you are forbidden to ever tell your crazy version of that story to anybody!” the Senior Instructor cried out loud. “Was I clear, cadet?”

So so, Mister Teeth” the young mouse replied. “If I were wrong about this, why bother in the first place? You could simply deny it outright and that’d be the end of the story…”

I said was I clear, cadet?” Maximum the upset instructor repeated.

Yes, crystal clear, I guess…” James responded quickly.

Good!” the senior instructor uttered. “Now go back to your room and write down my speech as a punishment for also questioning my high integrity and my authority here!”

That day CJ might have lost about half a pound due to all of his extenuating workout session. I told you they were sadistic for sure, didn’t I? Even so poor James survived merely because he was quite fat at that time. So we could now say this terrible event somehow helped him grow up a little bit as a future agent, right? Well, no, he did not learn his lesson at all.

After criticizing another three teachers, young Cheesie wound up being sent to the nefarious Trattoria Al Dentissimo, owned by man who claimed to be Sicilian. The mission was to bring back as many pizza slices as possible. In worst case scenario, they could snatch some of the ingredients like melted cheese, pepperoni or salami but no tomato slices. By the way, James had no intention of sharing any salami with his teammates.

What the four cadets, all of them handpicked by Max Teeth himself, ignored was that the guy’s pet cat was a real mafioso. He made several rats do his feline and atrocious bidding under the risk of being beheaded right after a single failure. How patient he was with his own thugs indeed!

That day a timid CJ learned the true value of being a darn good negotiator. Do not ask about the fates of the other three candidates for it is deemed as classified information according to the 105th resolution of the corresponding district of the Rodent Council of Maryland. Every single agent that has attempted to extract any data concerning his training mission has returned empty handed, and the pizzeria had moved to an unknown location a few months after the mysterious events took place. What a darn coincidence, don’t you agree?

Based on his neighbors’ tales, his mother welcomed him with a nice cheese cake as if it were his birthday. During this improvised celebration, a female mouse kissed him on his cheek. It has been impossible to find out if it was his own mother or grandmother or even an secret admirer. Cheesie James always refuses to make any comments while blushing whenever any friend or colleague ask him about that day.

To be continued... Mouse

RE: Cheesie James The Rodent Annoyance - kyonides - 07-21-2021

Chapter Three

The Shop

Cheesie could not trust a cat ever. No matter how useful his claws might be, their traitorous nature would always surface. There were no other mice around so he had to find any allies in the surrounding area as soon as he had confirmed the existence of birch beer cans or bottles at the store. Could some squirrels lend him a paw? They better do or he will be kidnapped by some lawless, bloodthirsty bird otherwise.

Wait guys! Wasn’t he supposed to explore the storage or the hallways first? Even if he could smell those rotten tomatoes the guards dissed, he might get lost there. James had finally understood he might need to draw some sketches resembling a map. This is where Slippery Silk’s obsession with role playing games full of world maps or dungeon floors would have come handy for sure.

“I gotta find some pencil or charcoal to draw the lines and symbols” CJ wisely realized.

Then the mouse noticed there was something black lying on the floor and ran as fast as a slightly fat rodent could for a few moments. When he finally managed to reach it, he got frustrated. It was some sort of plastic leftover that he could not use as a crayon. Interestingly, it was kind of sharp and he might keep it for later use.

Once he noticed how impossible it was to find some clean and useful sheet of paper, he tossed away his plans to become the first mouse cartographer in Maryland. He had to focus on methods that would let him succeed at locating his valuable prize. You might ignore this but that was not one of his strengths. His mentor knew about that and once told him “A true hero overcomes his small size and his roaring belly!”

Suddenly he yelled out loud. Some guard had moved his chair to the left making one of its wheels practically crush his poor tail. Cheesie had no choice but leaving the place before he could get exterminated by their unconventional weapons. He ran away till he reached some hall and a glass door that was half open then. To be honest with you, they could have caught him at any time for he was a slow runner indeed.

It no longer mattered, what the mouse had found out was disturbing. He realized that was not part of any real store but just a section of a medium sized shopping center. Before the rodent could aw at those modern day marvels, a parakeet had been arrested by some security guards who would later press several serious charges against him.

“You morons! Our feathered republic will be founded some day! Just wait for it!” the bird proclaimed ferociously.

So far Cheesie James only knew about the existence of the human stores and the very same Rodent Council itself. At most he expected to eventually find a feline feud or two but no single nation for birds. Perhaps it would be filled with nests and hollow trees everywhere.

Luckily, the reasoning behind the bird’s claims was about to unfold thanks to an unexpected visitor. It was a male creature who had four paws and a short tail but was no cat for sure. What could it be?

“Ha! What an idiot!” the doggo laughed. “He got inspired by some old spaghetti Western show, never realizing the characters were talking about reestablishing an ancient Indian nation after the rise of their late chief’s son to power.”

After explaining the situation to our small friend, the canine pet left the center followed by his human owner. She complained about her dog being so loud that her nerves were about to explode at any time. That was the very first time James had met such a spongy dog. He would never imagine humans had classified him as a wheaten terrier.

His journey had not finished, CJ’s call to find birch beer was only beginning. It could be because of his fat belly or his cautious nature that he only walked a few inches before turning around to check if anybody was following him. Or is there any another explanation for his recurrent need to take a few deep breaths here and there?

Just another discovery had been made by the furry mouse, the dog had paid a visit to the pet hairdresser less than twenty minutes ago. That was one of the closest stores he could find to the center’s main entrance. Sadly, Cheesie had to made some new acquaintances that would drive him mad, and that was no joke at all.

To his rodent dismay, he had unknowingly crossed the despicable Mice Sewers Gang’s territory without properly paying his respects to the gang leader Mario Cheester. Fine, that meant he had to bring in some piece of cheese or the like to appease him if possible. There was just a slight chance they would not demand an extra payment later on anyway.

“So amigo, did ya bring us some juicy cheese or what?” a gangster questioned him.

In this tricky situation, could CJ trust a bunch of rats that might only pretend to extort him? Or could his positive thinking cost him his very own life? Nonetheless, we got to realize James was not the fastest speedster around and they were many, too many of them in fact. His nervous hesitation costed him his freedom for they kidnapped him in no time, right after it was self evident he could not offer any resistance.

What he would have preferred to keep a secret is that he did not get seriously bruised because of his helpful fur. Or should I call it thick coat of fat instead? Judge for yourselves!

“My, my!” a stylish cat expressed from afar. “What do we got here? Some stinky rats bringing along a mouse as their hostage.”

The cat girl had interrupted their illegal parade unexpectedly. As you might have guessed by now, that gang got terribly pissed for no feline super model that had never worked hard in her whole life should ever pretend to scare them away. So they chose the W formation hoping to surround her in no time. It would soon prove to be a deadly mistake.

“Hey, Beefo!” the model called out. “It seems I’m gonna have you take care of these pathetic critters on meow behalf.”

Now you got to be asking yourself who the hell is Beefo supposed to be, and I would not blame you for ignoring that. He simply was her henchdog or even her slave dog if you prefer. No, he is not the brightest one out there but he is always willing to lend her a paw or even his muzzle. Think about a religious zealot from a far away land with a whipping tail and a killer bite. Do you still dare to believe this is an exaggeration? Then what will you do if I tell you that he got rid of five or six rats with ease? Frightened survivors quickly left the scene, automatically releasing Cheesie James.

“Roof!” the bite happy fiend cried out loud. “Ya got lucky, punk mouse, that they made a terrible mistake like passing by these very same pet shop while I was escorting mah sweet lady to her biweekly beauty session.”

“But don’t get the wrong idea, mouse, I just thought you got to be quite tasty” the cat taskmaster claimed out of the blue.

Understandingly, CJ got shocked to hear that his fate had not changed at all even if his captors were no longer present at the shopping center. Was he sweating like crazy?

“Nah, don’t take her darn seriously, mah friend!” the dog explained. “She’s just kidding you, ain’t I right, mah dear Pearly?”

“Huh? Am I, Beefo? Am I?” the feline model replied as if she were not aware of such fact.

“Err, fine!” her guardian stated. “Anyway, pal, what were you doing here in the first place? It’s not safe enough for a tiny rodent like ya.”

Cheesie was afraid of answering for his own purpose was not commendable at all. You know, he was supposed to snatch as many birch beer cans as he could. Then he came out with the perfect excuse to hide his immoral activities.

“Well, my friends and I…” he nervously answered “have been looking for some place that is selling root beer, because, err, it tastes darn good! Yeah, there’s nothing better in the entire world!”

“Say what?” the canine inquirer uttered. “Are ya searching for some mini market or the like?”

“Oh yeah, that might help us a lot indeed” the mouse speedily added.

Pearly the alleged actress did not buy the fatty rodent’s story as if it had been one of those lame screenplays she had rejected once she had become a famous star.

“Meow, of course it would certainly help you, tiny scoundrel” the classy cat suggested.

“She’s just joking, I guess” the talkative dog supposed. “OK, the tiny market is over there, right after those dog statues I’ve felt in love with since day one. I gotta tell ya that you better get some help from your pals if you plan to ever return home with anything excluding bites and punches.”

“Does that mean that gang is always lurking around here?” James wanted to figure out.

“What are you saying, you fool?” the diva complained. “If it weren’t for these professional hairdressers that treat me like the princess I truly am, I would have never come back to this nasty place. Ever. The MS gang will be the ruin for this lonesome shopping center.”

Her account of the facts greatly differ from young Cheesie’s viewpoint. He was a newcomer but the center gave him the impression it was thriving with activity after he took a close look around. Honestly they could easily listen to several people talking about pretty much anything and carrying along all sorts of bags filled with company logos and slogans he could not even attempt to read.

“In my humble opinion she isn’t that famous nor is this place that bad, actually I do love it” Beefo admitted. “I love the way it smells, I guarantee!”

“Fine, you’ve convinced me, my friend!” CJ cried. “I’ll give that tiny market a shot and see if it’s worth our time to ro… to pay it a visit and buy some stuff we badly need, of course.”

“Oh really? That sounds OK to me. Good luck, mouse pal!” the simple dog told him.

There was a huge problem for our young hero in the making. If he got caught by Pearly during a robbery, how was he expecting to run away without giving away his identity? His weight would betray him for sure. Was there any fellow rodent agent around that he could trust? Nonetheless, he had to enter the Terrier market without being detected by their guardians, and he had to do it right away before the nosy cat could make her next move.

Once again the travel was a true ordeal for the small mouse. As a poor excuse he soon acted as if he were imitating human behaviors on purpose as his own way to learn how to become a wise shopper. What nobody could ever understand was why he inspected some clothing store in the process.

After a few minutes he stood right in front of the market’s doors. They did not open. Probably he was small enough as to be ignored by the sensor that was still looking for tall living beings to arrive at the store. Thus Cheesie James had to wait for a kid to let him open the door for him. He truly felt ashamed of his small size.

To be continued... Mouse Cat Dog